Have Faith and Quit Your Whining!

I almost took down that last post because it was so negative in parts. Plus I feared that readers were thinking I was referring to their previous comments as being flippant or unhelpful. Not at all! You guys have kept me sane! Not one single person has said anything I would consider insensitive.

The more I've thought about it and the more I've read, I'm finally realizing I'm being too hard on people who love us and have no idea how to comfort us or help us at this time. Most people don't have a manual handy that explains how to comfort loved ones in the midst of various types of turmoil.

On the other hand, I'm still struggling with a certain family member--the one who told us not to give the surgery a second thought.

We were barely awake on Saturday morning--sitting in a dark living room in our pajamas--when I noticed someone was staring in the small window in our front door. I was startled that anyone would be watching us, and even more shocked that it was family who live in a neighboring state. We all know how much I despise surprise visits, but this one ended up being a good one despite the surprise aspect. Ironman has asked this relative not to be at the hospital on the day of surgery because the relative tends to open his mouth and asinine things fly out.

Who am I trying to protect? Okay, my father-in-law visited. His heart is almost always in the right place. I have no doubt he adores his children and wants desperately to protect them from their own stupidity. Never in my life have I seen a person fail so miserably while trying so hard to convince others he's superior in every way. He does have many talents, but imparting wisdom is just not one of them. He has a habit of stating the obvious and then looking at me as if he just revealed a secret of the universe.

Today's lesson was empathy and sympathy. Ironically he did the poorest job of demonstrating either with the conversation that followed, so I don't know why he chose to begin with a lecture of the semantics of each word. Because I knew what was coming, I interjected that it has been VERY frustrating (hint, hint) to have people tell us how we should feel about what's taking place in our lives when they've never been in our shoes.

I was ignored, and the rest of the lecture continued including examples of a friend's daughter who always has a smile on her face and a song in her heart even though her child has leukemia and has spent the past year and a half in the hospital.

Translation: Quit moping around because your child is having open heart surgery. If a mother of a dying child can be so optimistic and upbeat, so can you.

My thought: Good for her. Seriously. If she hasn't had a dark period in a year and a half, more power to her. Personally I think:

A. She has a really good doctor who has given her excellent medication.
B. She is seriously good at putting on a facade of peace and tranquility when others are watching.
C. She has lost touch with reality in order to cope with what's happening.
D. She's come to terms with it and has given it over completely to God who has given her peace that passes understanding.

I hope for her sake that it's D.

D has not happened for us yet. I'm still praying that it will. To some extent, it has. Before I go on with my rant, I'll tell you what the rest of the lecture consisted of...

My father-in-law and mother-in-law tag teamed us on how we simply can not allow ourselves to feel fear or worry because there's no point in it. They went on about how we have to rely on our faith to see us through.

How many times have I thought that or said that in my life? I totally believe it. But I feel like writing a book for Christians who lay an unintentional guilt trip on their brother and sisters in Christ in an innocent attempt to keep them focused on the almighty God. If you would just keep the faith...

Ooooh, so it's my lack of faith that's causing all of this? So it's my fault? Great.

I honestly don't think I would be having the trouble with depression that I'm experiencing now if I hadn't gone along with what my fellow Christians who were promoting the faith in God and expect a miracle mentality. I was even given a book for Christmas (that I only read half of to tell you the truth) that tells Christians they already have the healing from God. You just have to know how to pray about it. To be fair, I should have finished the book before ragging on it, but I was so frustrated by the thought that God would only answer my prayers if I knew the tricks of how to go about it that I tossed it aside. I don't believe God plays games.

Don't hear me wrong. I believe God can and still does perform miracles for some people some of the time. But the power of positive thinking and faith that the next echocardiogram would show she was healed did not work in our case. So each time we got more bad news, I sunk a little lower. Not only was I crushed because I wasn't prepared to hear bad news since I was only focused on what God could do for her, but I also blamed myself for not having enough faith, not being a good enough person, and not praying the right prayers.

I think God would like to tell us sometimes, "YOU'RE TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT!" There have been many times in my life that I felt like God didn't answer prayers, but time showed me he did answer them in his time in his way. I don't doubt this will be the same way. I feel like God has given us insurance and competent doctors among many other things like supportive friends, strangers who are offering to help us in any way, and the list goes on.

It's not God I'm angry with. It's the well-meaning Christians that are driving me crazy. God never said we can't be afraid. We're humans. "I am weak, but he is strong..." And telling me I've got to have faith just implies that I'm not showing enough faith. The last thing I need right now is people making me feel guilty for not being stronger or happier or more positive. I'm scared! I AM praying about it! I AM trying!

Despite all the faith in the world, bad things happen to good people. That's why there's a saying about it. Humans make errors. I can have all the faith in the world that God will protect Lindley, but nothing can change the free will a surgeon has to foul up. It happens. It just does. Saying it won't happen and being a positive thinker isn't going to change how capable the doctors are or how Lindley reacts to the anesthesia or how her body responds to the heart and lung machine. There's a million tiny things that could go wrong. And while I'm HOPING AND PRAYING everything will go smoothly, and I don't want anybody else dwelling on the fact that the surgery may not go as planned, I still have to think about those things. If something goes wrong, I'll blame myself. Not Ironman. Even though we both feel the surgery is our only option at this point, I'm turning over our baby and praying that nothing goes wrong.

"Fingers crossed! Hope you weren't out drinking last night! You look distracted and maybe even a little sleepy, but here's my baby! See ya in 6 hours! "

"Oh, Jennifer! You just have to have faith! It's just Satan putting those fears in your head. Don't give the surgery a second thought. You can't worry about it."

I wish I had the power to say to them, "You're fired." "Your show has been cancelled." "You're cooked."

I don't know. How do you balance the faith it takes to believe in miracles with the reality that God may have another route for you to take? I just don't have it in me to go into yet another situation believing whole heartedly that things will be wonderful and come crashing down if they don't. I'd rather go into it realistically and be emotionally prepared (as much as one can be) for set backs. I wasn't always cynical.

I think my rant is over because Bub is awake. I feel a little better venting once again.