Tuesday, October 14, 2008

What's Wrong With Me? Where to Begin?

FYI: I posted my two cents about the Jon & Kate Plus 8 blog in the comment section on that particular post. In a nutshell, I had mixed feelings. You could state an opinion and chances are I'd agree with you. There are lots of good points.

About a year ago I bought a book called The Worn Out Woman: When Your Life is Full & Your Spirit is Empty by Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Gray. I haven't read it yet because I've been too worn out and too spiritually empty to care that I was spiritually empty. I don't know how on earth they manage to get their target audience to read this book. I assume they must rely on less worn out women who are spiritually empty or completely worn out women who are spiritually full to spread the message. I have no idea. Currently I'm semi-worn out and running on spiritual fumes, but that's better than being on empty...more on that later. A point I'll get to later is that I'm now reading the book and finding it valuable enough that I hope to find time to share parts with you.

What I'm about to write is spiritual in nature but not the sappy Christian witness story it may appear to be. At least I hope it doesn't come off that way though I wouldn't be writing it if I felt it was going to have a bad ending. I don't know how it's going to end honestly. All I know is that currently I have hope that it will end well, and I haven't had that in a very long time.

The year marking Lindley's open heart surgery date was some kind of a turning point for me. I've been angry. That's no secret to me or anyone around me. It's been building for years. If there wasn't one crisis in our lives, there was another. Some were made by us and some were just bad luck. If there wasn't a crisis, there was a constant nagging of underlying unresolved personal issues or annoying people in our lives. There was always something.

Then there wasn't.

Other than some unresolved personal issues that we could probably spend the rest of our lives dealing with, there was really nothing major to speak of. We were in recovery mode financially and emotionally from a lot of stressful years. And I waited, and I waited for the other shoe to drop. But nothing happened. Still, the pressure built because life experience told me something would happen. Or one could argue that my lack of faith caused me to fear that if something major happened again, I couldn't handle it one more time.

That's when we found out Lindley had a heart defect that would one day need surgery. Then we were told I might have leukemia (which can do quite a psychological number on you). Then we were told our insurance wouldn't cover the expensive tests needed for Lindley and definitely wouldn't cover her pending heart surgery estimated to be almost $100,000.00. There were a lot of other "little" things from infertility issues to a serious car wreck...once again...going into overload.

I wanted to be the ever faithful Christian as we went through it all. The more I blogged, the more I realized how weak I felt. I wasn't a shining example of a Christian at all. I didn't keep my bitterness or anger to myself. The more Bible verses I was quoted, the angrier I became, and this is why...

(continued in next post)


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