When I started this blog, I was under the impression that my life is secretly video taped for the amusement of others (hence the description at the top of the blog). Most of my posts revolved around unusual people that came to my door or that I met in public. Now I only have to go so far as my inbox to realize my theory is still a sound one. I am most definitely screwed with for others' amusement, and on a television somewhere is me with my hands in the air screaming, "What the heck??? How do these people find me?!?"
But today I was most definitely taped at the Taco Bell drive-thru. Usually I would look like hell, but I was coming from church, so I had put forth an effort on my appearance which is rare.
I pulled up to order and was greeted with a VERY lengthy rap about taking my time to order.
I was reassured again and again that I had all day. He said this was no Jackie Chan or Chris Tucker movie and that it wasn't rush hour. I was thanked for thinking outside of the bun, and then more rapping took place attempting to ease my anxiety about making a rash decision and ordering hastily. The rap was ended with, "Order whenever you is ready."
Meanwhile, a line was forming behind me, and I couldn't concentrate on the menu or gather my thoughts in any form or fashion.
I always try to make a mental list of my order before approaching the drive-thru because I have enough anxiety about forgetting someone's meal. I should write it all down, but that would take even more energy I'm not willing to part with.
Finally I started my order, "I want a taco with no lettuce..."
Sung back to me was, "You want a taco-00000--ooooo----ooo wi--i-i-ith- no oh oh oh ohohhhhhhhhhh lettuuuuuuuuuce."
I was totally screwed at that point. The twist in my typical ordering experience threw me for a loop. It's like my brain was wiped clean, and I couldn't remember anything else I was supposed to order. After what felt like a really long silence, I ordered 3 burritos and had it repeated back to me in the same soulful and very drawn out song. It was like one of the singers from Boys 2 Men had to get a side job and chose my Taco Bell.
Keep in mind, I had 12 things to order. This was going to take a very long time. And what also sucked is that I had a question. "Is it possible to get sour cream on my bean burrito?"
I know! I was setting myself up! I didn't want to ask, but I didn't know the answer, and as I expected, it takes a really long time to sing an answer to a question. And three syllable words such as "possible" take forever to break down in R&B music. Every note has to be hit on just a one syllable word, so I was asking to be punished. "Yeeeeee--eh-eh-ehhhhhh-eeeeh-ssssss, it is poh-ha-ha-ha-haaaa-sible to get sou-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-er creaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam....." You get the gist.
I had no sense of humor at that point. I had a car full of children, we were all hungry and tired, and I just wanted to place my order because the line had doubled behind me!
We finally, finally, finally got through it. I pulled forward because of course everyone was gone from the line in front of me after that ridiculously long musical, and I hate
I had already been asked twice if I wanted hot sauce, mild sauce, or fire sauce. Once by the singer, and once by the girl at the window. Each time I answered that I wanted mild sauce.
Then one of the workers leaned out of the window and asked me again if I'd like one of those sauces, and I said mild sauce for the third time. That's when he said, "Ma'am, I don't mean to be offensive, but you're a very beautiful woman."
Well, thank you Taco Bell Man who is young enough to be my much younger brother and can rap so brilliantly! I am not going to count my burritos now in the parking lot to see how badly you guys screwed up my order thanks to that!
That just goes to show me that a good black dress can either disguise a really large belly, or one of the following:
a.) I appeared to have stolen my groceries and had them stashed under my dress.
b.) A raccoon had curled up and gone to sleep in my lap under my dress.
c.) Taco Bell Man has a thing for pregnant women.
d.) Taco Bell Man felt bad that his friend had just used one of my burritos as a prop in a vulgar joke.
e.) Taco Bell Man could tell I needed a compliment.
If it's d or e, I love him for his compassion. I appreciate it no matter what the reason because a tubby pregnant woman needs to think she's attractive every now and then despite what the mirror insists on showing her.
Still, there's no way all that happened without someone video taping it and showing it to the bar crowd in Boston where they keep a tape running of my life. No wa--a-a-aaaaaaa-ay-yay-yay....
Oh, and I wasn't given any mild sauce.