Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Background Checks Make for Better Friendships

I might have a new "in person" friend. Emphasis should be placed on "might" and "new" and "in person." Basically the entire sentence.

We're still in the researching phase.

If you have followed this blog for a long time or if you actually know me, you know that I don't do "in person" friends. To my lifelong girlfriends, don't think I don't know how you just twisted that last sentence to be something completely inappropriate.

What I do is clutch and/or cling to the girlfriends of my past and never let them go. I don't want any new friends because it's taken decades for my old friends to get used to me. I have no desire to start from scratch. (Sorry about the "old" friend comment. It's nothing personal.) I think it's only been in very recent years that they've come to terms with my personal failures as a human being and can write it off as, "Oh, that's just Jennifer. Try not to think about it."

I am what society calls "anti-social," or "busy," or "unwilling to give of herself to others on a frequent local basis." I'm not really about the "in person" friendships because they require way too much effort; however, I am considering breaking my own rule and taking a friend locally. My lifelong friends live hours away unfortunately, but that's probably the only reason they can still stand to be my friend. Small doses and all.

Anyway, this friend I'm considering shall remain anonymous considering everyone I personally know manages to find me on this blog. Sure as a monkey flings its own filth, she will wander upon this blog and read about this entire thing regarding herself, and the potential friendship will be over before it even began.

I'll just say we have to see each other weekly...bonus...required built in time to "be" a friend. We have quite a lot in common including knowing the same people. I think she gets my sense of humor which is rare. In person, I basically have no sense of humor. The jury is out on just how much she would appreciate it long term, but anyway...

Ironman accuses me of having a girl crush which is fine because he has a new boyfriend named J.C. Since we are both extremely anti-social, we are forced to mock and laugh at the other person when they consider making a friend. We're mature like that.

So I'm following various leads I'm getting on this person and weighing the pros and cons of local friendship. Now is the time to back out if I'm going to do it because it will make no sense if I cower in the corner of the required weekly meeting place months from now. It is imperative that I find out as much as possible ASAP!

When did I become so skittish around friendships? I'd say it was about the time that a favorite friend of ours introduced us to his arsenal of weapons and showed us videos of Bill Clinton's head on soldiers in Hitler's army surrounded by floating swastikas. Luckily he quit his job and moved out of state because the end of the world was coming, so we avoided some of the awkwardness of ending a substantial friendship. Update on that is that the world didn't come to an end. Also, people are weird. Keep them away.

Assuming I find no scary dirt on her, then there's the issue of the dirt she finds on me, and well...then it's over, so what was the point? I don't know. This is why I don't make new friends.

That is all.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Tipsy Magoo

I think the guy who services our heating and cooling unit might have been hitting the sauce at lunch. Should my nose hairs be burning? I'm not sure I recognize that smell, but if I were to guess, I'd say it was a mixture of cigarettes, booze, and cologne.

Let's start from the beginning with the ever popular knock/pounding he used to announce his presence.

Knock, knock, nah, knock, knock...........knock, KNOCK!

(Professional, isn't it? I think so.)

It's the ac/heating guy! What a different approach than the lawn guy who barely tapped on the door due to the sign that says, "Please do not ring the doorbell or knock loudly. Children could be sleeping."

The ac guy greets me with a way too happy to see me "hello!!!" and immediately says he's getting drunk from watching the guy mow the lawn.

Really? Really, Mr. AC Guy?

Have you ever seen anyone oozing sugar out of the pores in their skin? Me either, but you'd think he was solid sugar because he is always super sweet. I shrink about 3 feet when he speaks to me because his voice gets very high pitched and happy like at any moment he's going to tickle me or play "got yer nose!"

Anyway, the lawn mower moving was a clever excuse for drunken behavior. You'll all have to remember that one. Now if I call the company and complain that they sent me a drunk repairman, he'll be able to say, "I TOLD HER IT WAS THE LAWN MOWER!!!"

What if he had come before the lawn guy? "Oh, watching this tall grass blowing makes me feel drunk!"

Or after? "Watching your door mat sit there, umm, yeah...I'm just drunk."

Anyway, we made glorious small talk about how obsolete check writing has become and how napping should be allowed at work for adults...actually that was his thing, and then he all but skipped out of my house saying in the most syrupy voice imaginable, "Now you know where to find us if you need one little thing, Jennifer!"

"Well, yes I do! Thank you, AC Man! Do you want a wine cooler for the road? Aaaaahhhaaayukyukyukyuk!"

Just one more reason to believe I'm being secretly videotaped for others' amusement. My friend says there really is a syndrome where people actually believe they're being secretly videotaped, but my case is not a syndrome. I really am being secretly videotaped and piped into a bar in Boston. I just know it!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Oh my gosh!!! Did I just manage to upload my first video??? After years of having this digital camera, I've finally started using it as a video camera as well. Who knew I could figure it out! Too bad my video is boring! Woo hoo! I've also now learned I can only hold the camera one way while shooting video. Try not to strain your neck.

Friday, September 05, 2008


It seems to me that some people spend their whole lives trying to convince themselves that they are crazy and other people spend their whole lives convincing themselves they aren't crazy.

How do you know which one you are? I've heard that crazy people don't know they're crazy.

These are things I wonder while wiping down kitchen counters.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


Here's a newer update...

Faith has been sleeping through the night almost every single night since she was a month old. I'm no longer mommy dearest. I truly believe I have the best baby on the face of the planet!!! I've never met a child so low maintenance. She is either sleeping or quietly sitting and smiling like she is at this exact moment. No one is talking to her. She's just smiling. Like I said before, it's like God knew I needed an easy baby.

I took her in for her 2 month check up...a couple of weeks late, but that was mostly the doc's fault...and she weighs 12 pounds! This is considered "above average" which is a really nice way of saying she's a chunk.

The working out turned around quickly. I did 10 training sessions total, and then my trainer went back to teaching. I haven't been in the gym in almost a week, but now I'm loving cardio. I NEVER thought that would happen! I listen to my crazy music and ride my bike like a mad woman. It's pretty good. I went back to eating whatever I wanted and lost more weight than when I was dieting. Go figure. We'll see how long THAT lasts.

Now I'm trying to convince Ironman to work out with me in the evenings when it gets cooler. That will be a hard sell since he does manual labor all day long as it is, but he didn't get the name Ironman for nothing. He set a state record for dead lifting back when he was training. He would make an excellent trainer for me...mainly because he's free. I keep telling him, "It will be Jennifer and Ironman together again!!!" as if our history of working out together is comparable to a Beatles reunion. Yes, I know some of them are dead. Even having the living Beatles together again in the same room is more impressive than Ironman yelling at me to stop lifting like a woman while slapping the heck out of my leg. I vaguely remember cursing at each other. I don't think the YMCA can handle that. Luckily, he's calmed down a little in his old age....his very, very, very old age. (Ironman, that's for all the flack you've given me about turning 34 in a couple of weeks.)

So anyway...here are some new pics...

Waaaay old draft

Update: Oh my gosh! This is such an old draft!!!! But I'll post it because of the state cracker question.

Woo hoo! Little Bit turned one month old yesterday and has slept through the night twice in the past week or so. This is SUCH a good thing because I turn into Mommy Dearest when I don't sleep much. I fear my children are going to be so unstable because it feels like I'm either yelling or apologizing for yelling. There really is some middle ground in there, but I hate days when it feels like all I'm doing is policing them. They survived the pregnancy. Now if they can just survive the sleep deprivation mode, I think we'll be free and clear. I promise to pay for all of their counseling when they're adults.

Another reason I'm a bad mother is because I have no group photos of all my children as one of the cat readers requested. I hope the long, tall, Texan photos in Little Bit's ten gallon hat make up for it. Do people outside of Texas know that song?

Here's another question I have while we're on the topic of Texas...

We have Texas shaped everything in Texas. We are probably the most egotistical state when it comes to our shape which I must admit...TOTALLY ROCKS! So here's my question, do other states take pride in their shape? If you saw an outline of your state on a t-shirt, would you know it's your state? If you saw a pot holder in the shape of your state, would you recognize it or think that you were looking at a really screwed up pot holder? I was eating a box of Texas shaped crackers the other day and wondered, "Are there Iowa shaped crackers?" Someday I would like to get to the bottom of this, so please leave any information you have in the comment section.